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Nov. 23rd, 2011

wendleberry

What even

It's been so long. I don't even know what to say. Life is strange, but this isn't a new realization. This year has taken all sorts of twists I never could have expected.
I should seriously update more. I pretty much only get on here to check to see if June has updated lol. I miss her a lot. And I miss Alex. And I miss being 15.

Feb. 9th, 2011

wendleberry

Un-expectations

You could say I'm still "stuck" in California, but I don't really feel stuck anymore.

Danny has turned out to be a pretty amazing friend. He has gone so out of his way, it seems, to make sure my whole trip didn't end up being sucky. I've gotten to try lots of new things, thanks to him.
I had said something about how Gordon and I planned to do all this stuff we'd never get to do. Once I got to lazer tag, his reaction was basically: WHAT YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO LAZER TAG THAT'S IT WE'RE GOING.
Lol. And so we did that Saturday. He bought me a round of lazer tag and it was pretty damn fun. Can't believe I went my whole life never experiencing it! He was nice enough to buy me dinner, too. We ended up at The Cheesecake Factory. I'd never been to one. I've also now tried Panda Express, kiwi, and, as of tonight, Indian Food. From Saffron. I actually like it. Especially the naan (some bread stuff).
I got drunk for the first time in a while. He had a little whiskey and I decided to finish it off before we went out to check out some live music. There's a bar down the street from his apartment that had no cover charge and a band. It was a verrry tiny place and you could tell it's the type of place with regulars, and they were all older and seemed to know each other. We had to have been the youngest people there lol. The band was older people, too. They kinda reminded me of Mofro, but with a female singer. I liked it. After that, we went to Vons to get some more alcohol and soda to mix it with, came back here, drank, listened to music, and talked for a while. After he fell asleep, I got the computer and talked with my sister a little. Ended up calling Gordon. It wasn't one of those boohoo I miss you so much I'm stupid and drunk calls, but we did both end up crying a little at some point. I was really curious as to how he would react to me calling him and had lots of questions for him, curiosity always gets the best of me, I guess. But I ended up being glad I called. He had not tried to contact me at all and I figured it was just because he didn't care and wasn't bothered at all by me being out of his life. He claimed he didn't try to contact me because he didn't think I'd want to hear from him, thought I was still mad at him. Even though I told him before I left that I didn't mean it when I said he'd never hear from me again, and that I would like to stay friends. Wutevz.
Anyway, we've been talking a little bit, and are getting along for the most part. A few little arguments here and there, just a few tears from my end, I'm holding up pretty damn well for the most part. Much to my surprise. He's beating himself up over the whole thing. As he should be lol. And, apparently, he's jealous of Danny? He acts like he really thinks there's something going on with us, and he feels replaced because I did some of the things we were going to do together with Danny. Even though he deserves to believe that, I've been honest and told him nothing's happening and nothing's going to happen, I have no interest in replacing him so soon.

lyk o plz. I don't want more relationshit bee ess to deal with anytime soon, ya know?

Cough. So, Gordon and I have decided we would like to hang out once more before I leave, since we may never ever see each other again. I suggested we still go out to dinner, it was one of the things we planned to do, go somewhere kinda nice and dress up for each other. I want an excuse to wear that dress, damnit. Haha besides, our last dinner together was just completely awful. It was the night I left for Danny's, Gordon's dad and his girlfriend asked me if I'd like to go to dinner with them and I said sure. Gordon wasn't going to go, but at last minute decided to, and then he like.. didn't even order anything once we were there. And didn't say a single thing to me. He had gotten dressed up, and I felt like he was just trying to make me uncomfortable or something. It was awful. He told me later that he just didn't know what to say to me and he got all dressed up because he wanted me to walk away with a good memory of him or something, but then I couldn't even really look at him.
I think that I would be able to, now. I don't feel so sick when I think about him and how he betrayed me, I don't feel as sad when I think about how it's over, and how he turned out to be just another typical guy. Of course, it still hurts a little, but it's not unbearable, now. I'm very surprised with myself, how well I've held up, how little I've cried. I'm slightly worried I won't be able to keep my composure when I'm around him, though. Will I just fall apart all over again when I see him? It was always so hard for me to look at him when we were fighting, because it was hard for me to stay mad once I met his eyes... I know I wouldn't be dumb enough to forgive him and take him back, but I don't know if I'd be able to hold back the tears, thinking about how I won't ever kiss those perfect lips again. =/
But they weren't perfect, remember? So many lies that passed through them. Sigh.
I'm sure I have the strength to suck it up and be around him once more, but I don't know how it would go if we were together for too long, and he kind of asked me if I would like to go back to his house. I've been considering it, since it looks like I'm going to have to wait it out in California until the 16th. I feel bad about popping up outta nowhere and disturbing Danny's life, taking over his room. Heh. Not to mention I'm almost out of money, I'm down to $20 and that won't feed me for much longer. Danny has already fed me a few times. =/

I don't know. I'll see how it goes. All I know is that this whole thing has turned out to be a good experience. I learned that I'm much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for, got to have new experiences, and have grown closer to a friend who has made me realize that not all people are shitty. There are actually genuinely nice, good people in the world. I can never thank Danny enough for that.

Feb. 4th, 2011

wendleberry

Lemon Juice

It's not very often that I share my writings/lyrics with people. Well, except for with Alex, cuz he just gets me and I know he will give me an honest opinion. But, for some reason, I feel like sharing thisCollapse )


Sigh. I haven't finished a whole song in a long time. I wanted to get an angry break-up song out of the deal while I still could, I can already feel the emotions fading. And I don't know why, because I did really care for him.
I'm glad I'm better at taking care of myself emotionally now.

I don't know when I'm going to get to go home. It's been icy and snowy in Texas, apparently. Messes with the flights. And my dad didn't work today so he won't get his paycheck until Monday. Meaning he won't be able to get a ticket until then. Argh.

Feb. 2nd, 2011

wendleberry

Writer's Block: I see you

When, if ever, is it okay to snoop on your significant other? Have you ever?



LMFAO. Ok, ok. Very funny, Universe. I have to answer this one because it's like it was stuck up there just for me. So unbelievably relevant to my current situation.


Now, normally, I would say snooping is a no-no. Well, there should be no need for snooping, because your relationship should be open and you should tell each other everything and I DEFINITELY believe you shouldn't keep anything from your significant other.

But...


Gordon bought me a plane ticket out here to California. Wednesday, January 26 to February 16. I wasn't even here for a week before we broke up. We broke up on the 31st (my dad's birthday).
A couple nights before that, we went down to this coffee shop where he meets up with his friends to play guitar sometimes. His one friend, Paul, was there and lit up a cigarette at one point. He asked if I smoked, I guess he was going to offer me one. I told him no so he said "What about you, Gordon? You.. smoke sometimes, don't you?". The way he said it, it was like he caught himself getting Gordon in trouble.
Gordon used to smoke and when he moved back to California to live with his dad, he smoked a lot less because he couldn't really keep it up, living with his dad, had to keep it secret. (I guess he kept lots of secrets..)
He said he had quit for me. Well, I guess he lied about that. And, after Jon, I absolutely will NOT tolerate lying anymore. I had told Gordon before that if I ever found out he lied to me, that was it, we were done. I didn't know what to do, because it wasn't solid proof. It seemed like proof enough for me, but Gordon and I ended up going for a walk because he could tell something was wrong. He probably realized I took Paul's comment as AH HAH I CAUGHT YOU LYING YOU BASTARD. But he asked me what was wrong and I said "You lied to me" and he tried to play it off like "What? What are you talking about?".
He swore he hasn't been smoking, never lies to me, blah blah blah, Paul was just trying to be polite. Right.
Well, like I said, it wasn't exactly solid proof, and I had just gotten here, so I tried to let it go.

With that on my mind, and a couple other things that have happened since I got here, and my already extremely suspicious paranoid nature, I did something I'd normally never do. I looked through his computer.
That day, we had laid around in bed, cuddling and kissing and messing around. Then we went to get breakfast and walked to one of those spiritual-type stores called The Path. I at least have one good memory from that day. There's this big fat orange cat named Rajah that hangs out in the store, I met him last time I was in California. As soon as we walked in, we went to this stand close to the door that had some fabric over it and stones and stuff sitting on top. We were picking stuff up and checking things out, and all of the sudden - !
The fabric starts moving and out pops a cat head. XD Sup, Rajah? I'm glad I can smile about something right now.
BUT BACK TO THE WHOLE POINT. There was a video rental place next door that his dad has a membership to, and we decided to see if Gordon could rent something since he was on the account. We wanted to watch Despicable Me, Gordon said it was pretty good and I needed to watch it. So he picked up the Blu Ray version, thinking it would work on his computer. We got back to his place and tried it out and it wouldn't, so he rode his bike back up to the rental place to see if he could get a regular copy.
The perfect chance to see if I could really find proof that he's a liar.
It must be fate. I may not have gotten any other chance to look, and never would have known, and I would have stayed. Stayed there at that house, with him, and continued to let him kiss me and put his dirty liar hands all over me. It makes me sick.

Well, at first, I didn't find any porn. But I found some gifs saved from 4chan or 420chan or wtfever that were close enough to porn in my eyes. We had talked about it before, and he knew I was very uncomfortable with the idea of him looking at anyone else. He swore he didn't, would never, it "wouldn't feel right". Not even when we were broken up for about a month. He promised.
When he got back, he asked what I was doing on the computer. I told him "Going through your stuff" and got up. I can't remember clearly what his response was or how it all went down, it was so quick and brief. I just remember him making this face, where he raises an eyebrow and kinda tilts his mouth to the side. I used to think it was cute but now thinking about it makes me sick. Thinking of him at all honestly makes me sick. I was furious and felt so betrayed, I had to get out of there. Sure, most people would try to say (and some did) that it wasn't that big of a deal. "He could have done a lot worse". But it was a HUGE deal to me. It's betrayal. It's lying. He told me, I can't tell you how many times, that he would never look at anyone else like that. Besides, it gets worse.
I told him I was leaving, because I just couldn't talk to him right then. I needed to gather my thoughts. So I put on my jacket and started to head out the door. He followed me and tried to hold the door shut as I was opening it. I gave him this ice cold stare and told him through my teeth "Let me go". I guess he could tell how pissed I was because he just backed off and I walked out, down the street a little ways to a park nearby. I didn't know where to go lol.I knew this had to be the end of it. I couldn't be like everyone else I know, swear I'm not going to deal with some sort of crap and then just let it slide. No, that would make me a liar, too. And I hate liars. I'm so sick of them.
A little later, he came looking for me on his bike, to spew more lies. I still couldn't stand to be near him so I tried walking off and he followed me. He said something like "So, you're mad at me because of some gifs I saved like three years ago? Before we were together, before we even started talking? You think I'm a liar?".
Oh, I know you're a liar. They all are.
He was mad at me for being mad at him. He would always do that, anytime I'd get mad at him he would turn it around on me and not even acknowledge how he wronged me, just point out everything he felt I was doing wrong. And he started in on that, how I never trusted him and he was sick of all my shit and always trying to convince me that he wasn't lying. Wellllllllll. Lol. Obviously, I was right to not let myself trust him. Though, I actually did, to an extent. But I will never fully trust anyone.
He even tried to say that I never loved him. I told him he didn't have to worry about it all, he didn't have to worry about ever talking to me again. Told him I was done with him. And for once, he didn't even try to set things right (not that he could have). Any other time he would try to convince me we could work things out and he loved me and wanted to be with me and never lies to me, all the bullshit, you know. He did still try to claim that he didn't lie or do anything wrong. Told me more than once that those things were saved years ago. Well, I might just have begun to believe that, but by the way he reacted to the whole thing and didn't even try, it made me feel like he knew he screwed up and I caught him and there was no point in trying, so he didn't. Also made me feel like he didn't care how hurt I was. He probably didn't. =/ I basically cried for two days and was very obviously hurting, but not him, it just really seemed to not even phase him at all.
He did cry a little at one point. After we got back to his house, I tried to go inside and the door was locked. He said he locked us out and I asked why. He said because he wanted us to talk. I tried telling him there really wasn't anything to talk about, it wasn't going to get resolved because that was IT. No more. But we went back to his laundry room and did some talking. I can't remember what all was said, just that he ended up saying things like "we had some good times, I'm glad I was able to get to know you". And he said "Don't call anyone else teh behbehs". I shook my head no and started crying harder, because I thought of him moving on and finding someone else. As mad as I was, and still am, you don't just get over love that fast. =/ And it always hurts to think of the one you love with someone else. He asked what was wrong or what I was thinking or something along those lines, wanting to know why I started crying so hard, and I told him. He said he probably wouldn't find anyone else for a long time and I said something about him finding someone better and he told me it wouldn't be someone better, it would just be different. =/ And then he hugged me and I let him because I just felt so broken down and needed a hug from anyone at that point. And then I cried even harder and he started crying too.

Blah. Fast forward. We went inside and I went to the bathroom. When I came out, he was like "This is probably a stupid question, but Jeremy wants to know if we want to get something to eat with him." Of course I didn't, food was the last thing on my mind, I felt like shit and looked it, too. My eyes were all red and puffy. I told Gordon to go. I knew he would, knew he wouldn't even try to make one last attempt. And I was right. He said he was going to go since I wanted to be left alone and he was never any good at leaving me alone. There could have been some truth to that, anytime we got into a big fight I'd need time to cool down and he just wouldn't give it to me. If he didn't demand we talk it out then, he'd come find me shortly afterwards when I hadn't had nearly enough time to think about things and settle down. But, in this case, I think he just didn't care to try anymore.
He left again shortly after he got back, to a different friend's place. Kenny. He said he probably wouldn't be back that night. Good. I ended up crying myself to sleep. Eyerolllll. He woke me up some time later coming in, got a change of clothes and went to take a shower. I had asked him what time it was and he said 2 something. When he got back from the shower, he kneeled by the bed and asked if he could lay beside me. I said "I'd rather you didn't". He asked if we could talk, I think I told him I was tired and wanted to sleep, so he went to sleep on the couch. Oh, yeah. His breath smelled strongly of alcohol.
The next day, we barely spoke before he left again. He was putting away clothes and getting ready to leave and I was sitting on his bed, crying and writing. It still seemed to not bother him at all that we were over. I said "You don't even care" and that spawned a little fight. I think he tried to tell me that I didn't care because I didn't want to talk. How could he not see that being near him, seeing him, talking to him.. was just unbearable for me? His dad tried talking to me a little and asking if I was ok and everything. Sigh. I couldn't talk to him about it, obviously. =/
Anyway, Gordon left again, and I decided to check the dates on those things he had saved, to see if he was just lying again. He was. Most of them were from 09 and some of the things that I felt were inappropriate were from 2010, which was after we got together.
I really wasn't going to snoop around anymore, I already knew what I needed to know. But I went to log into my yahoo account and he was signed in. I couldn't help myself, what else had he lied to me about? Was he talking to other girls, too? What was he telling his friends about me? Had he shared pictures of me that were meant only for his eyes? (I ended up deleting all the pictures of me off of his computer. I never took any of me naked, thank GOD, but there were some of me in my underwear)
Well, there was a facebook notification right there in the inbox, a message from a mutual friend of ours, Joseph. By the sound of it, Gordon had talked to Joseph a little about us, I wish I had gotten a chance to snoop around on his facebook too lol. =/ In the sent box, there was a very recent e-mail he sent to Joseph with the the subject "Don't open this in a crowded room". It said something like "I think I found a picture of Gayle maaaaan. But yea. Shit's cool."
I opened the attachment and it's some naked girl taking a mirror shot of herself. That prompted me to look through the downloads folder, since that box popped up. Where I went on to find a lot of images with just numbers and letters in the filenames that wouldn't open, so apparently they'd been deleted off the computer. ;] Also came across a couple of things of the pornographic nature. Some chick with huge tits playing with herself. Hah. Of course. Yeah, and from a few of the things he had saved that I found the first time around, I'd say it's pretty apparent I was never his type at all. Isn't that always how it goes, though?
Yay for sluts with no self-respect. Yay for lying, cheating scumbags.
Yes, looking at porn is cheating, in my eyes. Most people don't see it as a big deal, but I guess I have strange views. I thought Gordon understood and agreed with them, but now I know better. I was talking to my sister about it all and I guess my dad read the conversation and called Gordon. =| And told him we just needed to talk or something, and mentioned something about me finding a dirty picture. I don't know. But Gordon came home and as soon as he walked into his room said "So I heard you've been snooping some more". I ended up asking him how he knew and he said my dad called him. He said he wanted me off of his computer and out of his room. I invaded his privacy. Yeahyeah. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW what I did wasn't right. I don't blame him at all for being mad at me, he has every right, especially since he had asked me not to look through his stuff anymore. Was what I did worse than what he did, though? I mean, really, I'd like to hear opinions on this. I thought you weren't supposed to keep things private when you're in a relationship. I thought you weren't supposed to want to look at anyone else, because the one you "love" is supposed to be the only one you think of in that way, the only one you want to look at in that way. I guess guys don't see it like that. I really, really just.. find it very hard to believe that they're capable of truly loving. It's not just them, I know girls are malicious bitches too and a lot of them have no idea what love really is. It's just how people are, blind and naive and so completely selfish. But I've seen where girls are capable of loving, real love, not just deep infatuation, and I think I have yet to see that with a guy, for real. =/
So. Another little fight broke out. He told me to get all my stuff out of his room, he wanted me gone. As if I really wanted to be there. Unfortunately, I didn't really have anywhere to go. I'll explain about where I am and how I got here later. Back to the fight. I said something about him and his porn and sending naked pictures to Joseph because he was acting like what I did was the worst thing anyone could ever do. And you know what he said? "I bet if I looked through your computer I'd find something too". I told him "No, you wouldn't. You definitely wouldn't" and he basically made it sound like he thought I was lying. Ha ha. No, he really wouldn't. There is not a bit of porn on my computer because... I DON'T LOOK AT IT. Besides the fact that it disgusts me (I'm sorry, I just have strange views on sex and things like that and feel like it's something that should be shared with someone you care about, not just anyone. Not everyone. Not put up for the whole world to watch. To me, it is a sacred act, it can create life, it's supposed to be about expressing love, but people have distorted and perverted it), I would feel like I was cheating and I could never cheat on someone I love. I don't think I could cheat at all. But he ended up accusing me of it, later. Tried to say I probably cheated on him with Alex and Dustin. I never did. I cuddled with Dustin when Gordon and I were broken up, and he kissed me, and I told him (Dustin) that it didn't feel right. I felt like I was cheating, even though I did not have a boyfriend at the time. And Alex kissed me on the cheek one night when I was extremely upset and crying and kissed me goodbye before he got on the bus. Both times I felt awful and guilty because I knew it would hurt Gordon, I knew how hurt I would be if someone kissed him, even just on the cheek, and I knew I couldn't keep it from him, so I told him about every time after it took place. I asked him, if I had cheated, would I have told him that anything happened at all? Wouldn't I have just not said anything, kept it secret? His response? "I think you just wanted attention". =| K. Yeah, he thinks I'm some attention-whoring controlling needy bitch, I guess. I won't deny the needy part. I need to feel loved by the one I'm in love with. But I would never do anything or make up lies or anything like that just to make sure the person cares. He thinks I'm incredibly immature. And, yes, I had my moments of immaturity when I was so overwhelmed with anger that I didn't care to try to be mature or calm and collected. But, no, I wouldn't say I'm immature. Definitely not moreso than him, and I know for a fact that he thinks he's the more mature of us two, it came straight from his lips. "22 years old and you still act like you're in high school. I thought girls were supposed to be more mature than boys, supposed to mature faster."

Rewind. Back up to after he got in after talking to my dad. I said something about him being a liar and a cheater, can't really remember his exact response but it was basically that he didn't cheat on me or looking at other people wasn't wrong, and that caused me to ask "So, if I was looking at other guys, that wouldn't bother you?" and he kinda hesitated for a moment before saying "Not if you were thinking about me".............. WAT?!?! Just. What. So, I called bullshit and he was like "You just don't understand" and I told him "No, I don't understand". I don't understand at all.
I can pretty much guarantee you right now, though, that he definitely would have been bothered if I was watching other guys jack off.
Ugh. Now I find myself wondering if he got on webcam with other girls, talking to them while they were doing it, or doing it with them. I really just don't know.
I don't know what to believe anymore.
He said he doesn't think he deserves to be put on the list of all the other jerky ex boyfriends. Oh, I think he more than deserves it. I think he's the worst of them all. I mean, overall, when we were together he was the best of the bunch, treated me the best, I suppose. But this betrayal is the worst. I feel like he lied AND cheated, instead of just one of the two, like all the others. I'm sure he lied about loving me the whole time, just like all of them. And he almost had me believing him, I almost trusted. And for what? He took pieces of me that I can't ever retrieve. Firsts that I can't ever get back...
I could say one good thing about him. He never once tried to pressure me into having sex. Sure, now I believe it's because I'm not what he considers attractive, but I'm pretty sure guys don't really care, they take whatever they can get, right? Not that he could have had me, I could feel that it wasn't right so I wouldn't have, but I'm just saying, he never even tried. I don't know why. He said "I just don't care about it that much". Pfffffffttttttttttt.
Let me rephrase it for you. "I just don't care about you that much" must have been what he meant. Surely. Why else would he do all this to me? You don't treat someone you love that way.

Oh, right. So, after the "you don't understand thing" and him telling me he wanted all my stuff out of his room right then, I asked if I could use his phone to call my parents.
I'm sorry I'm jumping around so much, my thoughts are so scattered and I'm kinda having a hard time collecting myself. =/ But I want to be able to remember all of this. I want to be able to come back and look at it when I'm older and wiser and be like 'ah, yes, it was just...'. What I needed to decide I should just date girls. XD
No, no, but really. I called my dad and asked what he said to Gordon and talked to him for a minute before getting pissed at him for basically taking Gordon's side. =/ He said we just needed to talk things out and I shouldn't make any rash decisions and he thought it was a little extreme to break up with Gordon over a dirty picture. Gee, thanks Dad. Thanks for believing in me and my ability to make important decisions, trusting my judgement, thanks for understanding where I'm coming from. (I knew he wouldn't, he has never gotten my perspective on lying. He still can't understand, even after I've told him and gotten mad at him numerous times because of him keeping things from me, and he still tries to do it, like when one of my animals dies he will put off telling me and try to tell my mom and everyone not to say anything, even though he knoooowwwsss that just makes me even more upset because then I'm mad too because people kept things from me. FUCK. LIARS. With-holding information. Is. Lying.)
Maybe I have twisted views. Maybe my expectations are too high. I don't care. I would rather be alone than with someone who isn't exactly what I want. I'd rather not have anyone at all if I can't have someone who agrees with certain beliefs of mine that are extremely important to me. To me, overlooking differences in some beliefs would be like a Buddhist falling for a serial killer. Besides, I have always believed that no one should ever have to lower their expectations. How could anyone ever be truly happy that way?
Well, I got mad at him and told him to put my mom on the phone and cried to her for a minute, told her I couldn't stand being there any longer and Gordon basically kicked me out anyway and I didn't really have anywhere to go. I tried asking a couple of people in the area if I could hide out with them for a while. I asked Sean Hubbard, who lives in LA, since he's so close to where Gordon lives. He basically said no. Which is fine, I really didn't want to stay with him anyway since he is sort of like an ex boyfriend and I'm sure it would have been just another slap in the face, being around him, especially with his fiance. Uh herp a derp duhuhuhuh everyone you ever loved faked caring about you the whole time and chose other girls over you and they're all in happy relationships and you just ended yours.
I also talked to Heather and asked her if she thought it might be possible for me to stay with Cory (he used to be Sean's best friend, back when I was all crazy for him, so we've known Cory for years and now Heather and Cory have been dating for a year and she's stayed with him a few times). She said she talked to him and he said he'd talk to his mom about it the next day, but I don't think he ever even did. Also fine. I didn't want to have to burden Cory either, and I get the feeling he doesn't like me much and it would have been kinda weird being there without Heather. But damn. The little bit he talked to me he came off as sorta rude and like UGH HOW DARE YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT ASKING ME FOR HELP. =/ Pretty much the first thing he said to me was "did you get your ticket changed?" and then he asked "so why did you break up with him this time? =/". Hah. Thanks.
But! Not everyone was unhelpful. A few people, June and Jon included, offered to send me money if I needed some. That was extremely cool of them (especially since Jon is one of my jerkasshole ex boyfriends XD) and I love you for it, June. <3 Thank you.
A friend in Texas who I don't really hang out with, have only seen in person a couple of times when we were at the same place because of mutual friends and have done almost all of our talking online, said he would use his tax return to get me a plane ticket if I needed. D= Way beyond cool of him. We're gonna hang out when I get back, because he's always been nothing but nice to me and he seems like a nice person.
And while on the subject of talking online, I guess I should finally mention where I am lol. One of my online friends, Danny, that I've had on my buddy list for a couple of years but don't know very well, he lives in LA and was kind enough to come pick me up and let me stay at his place. I don't know how I can ever thank him, we seriously barely know each other, he IMed me by accident one day and we've talked every once in a while ever since, so I can't believe he was willing to let me stay when people I've known for years wouldn't. And, I know, it was kind of dangerous coming to stay with some dude I really don't know, but I don't care. I had to get out of there.

ANYWHO. My mom told me she was sorry that she couldn't really help. My dad had talked with a friend of his that works for an airline, she is going to try to get me a flight as soon as possible, but because of the weather, the soonest she might be able to hook me up would be Friday, and even then it's just a maybe. But I'm not complaining, this weekend is way better than two weeks from now, y'know? Heh. I just hope I don't have to impose on Danny for too long, I really don't know what else to do or where to go. =/ My only other option would be maybe trying to ask Gordon's dad's girlfriend, Darlene, if I could stay on her couch for a couple days or something, but I don't think she'd go for it. She likes me, we spent a little time together and talked some, but she pretty much kept saying "sometimes you just have to talk it out" (what's with everyone being incapable of understanding that I stick to my beliefs and don't put up with bullshit? There is no talking it out) and I told her that there was no way I was taking him back and told her why and pretty much everything. She didn't offer to let me stay when I told her I couldn't be there anymore and it made me sick to be around him and started crying again, so she's probably not comfortable with the idea of some strange girl staying at her house, and I don't blame her.
I have very, very little money since I had been out of work for a while and was going to rely on Gordon for food and shelter until I got home and got a new job. I have never been comfortable with the idea of not being able to take care of myself, having to rely on a guy for support. This whole ordeal just completely reaffirmed my feelings on that matter lol.

I really have to listen to myself more.



Sigh. This took way too long to type up, but I guess that's basically all of the really important bits.
Snooping is wrong, and it ended my relationship, but I'm glad that it did. Lying is inexcusable. Even just one little lie, but especially when there are many that have been spat out at you. How can you ever believe anyone? I knew he was lying to me, but I couldn't end the relationship over a strong hunch, so I got the proof that I needed to let go of someone that was no good for me. I don't think that was wrong of me.

Oct. 26th, 2010

wendleberry

Gratitude.

Welcome to Livejournal, Alicia. <3

Every day, Alicia finds things to be grateful for. And often writes what I call "gratitude lists". It's a very good practice, everyone should do it. I should take my own advice. Hah.
I started to write a gratitude list last night but it almost instantly transformed into something else.
I wanted to post it here so that Alex and Alicia could see. I dedicate this to them:


I am grateful for my pen, my hands, this paper, the power of the human mind, light, lamps, that I was fortunate enough to be born in an age and area where knowledge is easily obtained. The tree that grew and sacrificed it's life to become this paper. The sunlight and rain that enabled it, and every other inhabitant of this beautiful earth, to exist and thrive. The beautiful sky, from which life falls, that harvests storms, inspires creativity and wonder, holds the clouds and stars and secrets of the universe above our heads, so that whenever hope seems impossible to hold onto, we may be reminded that it's as simple as shifting our gaze upwards. I thank God that I am able to view all the amazement of the world through this pair of unique eyes. I was given senses, all of which have functioned properly throughout my very privleged life, that let me experience all this world has to offer. Even beyond this world, as we get to have the pleasure of dreaming. I have even been so lucky as to gain control of my dreams, and know that I can do and be anything I can imagine. I've been blessed with great company, and have come across several people that I can share my dreams with. Wonderful companions, who inspire and ignite my soul, help me remember who I am, and that there is beauty everywhere you look in this world. People I've been close to for years, will remain close with for the remainder of my life, and most likely many more to come. Sturdy friends who have helped me through the toughest of times. Even those who are no longer around, still served a purpose and provided many smiles. I have known love and the pain of love, and because of both, I have grown and learned and evolved into the being I am now. The person who was lucky enough to truly understand gratitude and the transient nature of all that is. For that alone, I am grateful. Though I, at times, falter on my path to perpetual peace, the knowledge of Nirvana is here in my mind, never far at all. I only have to journey into my head to examine memories which can enlighten and enthrall me all over again. God, thank you for giving us creativity and passion, for without it, what would life be? Thank you for pictures, stories, music, and art of every sense. For all the bright souls who capture and create. For all the different types of people, so that there is diversity, and every masterpiece may be appreciated. I'm thankful that art and inspiration are so easily accesible. I'm thankful that I know so many artists. Everything that was ever created was someone's vision, someone's art.
Thank you for my perspective.

Jul. 3rd, 2010

wendleberry

oh man

Alex and I took a trip into the past, looking at old LJ entries. That's always fun.
I really wish I'd keep up with updating now so I'll have something to look back on later in life...

There's a gecko on the window.
I'm hanging around Hugo's house because he's out of town and I don't have internet or anything to do at my house.
Gordon left to Joseph's house for a few days.
He and I have been fighting, by the way. Almost broke up. Still not sure if we're going to stay together or not.
Shockingly, I'd be doing the breaking up, for once. And I'd be perfectly ok with ending the relationship. We'll just see how it goes, I guess. I'm enjoying this time away from him, getting a chance to see how I feel now without him around. I've started missing him, today. He left Wednesday or Thursday. Wonder if he's coming back to spend the 4th with me or not.. Hm.


Uh. Know who else I miss? June.

Opp Zing: there was a girl who was murdered not far from here recently. They beat her to death, and then they tried to burn her, and then they cut her up D:
Opp Zing: and then another girl who was attacked by dogs in a ditch and then froze to death D;
Twixs Pixi: thats awful =(
Opp Zing: Yeah =/
Opp Zing: its scary
Opp Zing: I never want to leave my house
Twixs Pixi: XD i knew youd say that
Opp Zing: xD
Opp Zing: haha
Opp Zing: Im serious
Opp Zing: If I could, I would never leave
Twixs Pixi: but theres always a chance a burglar wearing only boxers will break in and climb in bed with you
Opp Zing: ahahaha
Opp Zing: I dont think Im that Lucky
Twixs Pixi: XD
Opp Zing: Ill get an old man in whitie tighties
Twixs Pixi: hahaha XD sounds fun
Opp Zing: No way, youre crazy Dx
Twixs Pixi: hes going to be balding and fat also. i envy you
Opp Zing: xD
Opp Zing: Thats cruel


Such random, silly conversations we used to have.
I remember, there was a point in time, when talking to her could get me through anything. She helped me through the worst years of my life, when I was going through some pretty tough shit. Funny part of it is, we wouldn't even have to have deep discussions for her to help me, we could talk about dumb meaningless stuff and as long as I was talking to her, I felt immensely better. XD
Now, Alex is my go-to person. He has the same effect she used to have. But we don't get to talk very often, usually. Yay for being all grown up and having a life. -rolls eyes-

I felt like reviving one of these...Collapse )


It's 11 PM and I'm still at my work-place lol.
I've pretty much lived here the past week. Hugo said Gordon and I could stay here while he was gone. But, after Gordon went to Joseph's, I've been going back home to sleep and stuff.
Which I should do soon...

Apr. 20th, 2010

wendleberry

Thank you, Universe

I feel like I'm on top of the world today. Like I'm the luckiest person walking ze earth.

California was great.
Being with Gordon was amazing.
Sigh. I miss him so much.
But, I still don't feel like I miss him as much as I should. I dunno. I feel like I don't enjoy things as much as I used to. Things don't hit me as hard as they used to. I didn't cry when I left (he says he did, though d'aw =[ twice) but a couple days before I had to leave, we were laying in bed talking about it and we both ended up crying. Ugh. Distance is so hard. But. He is so worth it. He's like the perfect boyfriend. And so adorable. And his skin is so soft. x] And he's a really great kisser. dsjkghikndlnhjfth
We went to a couple beaches/piers while I was there. Saw a TV show or movie or something being filmed one day at Redondo Beach. There was a huge arcade at the Redondo Beach pier so we played a lot of skee-ball one day haha. Then watched the sunset on the beach and kissed as it was going down lol. =D Hung out with some of his friends. Played beer pong for the first time and an altered version of beer pong they made up. Hah. Ate a special brownie and tried to watch The Yellow Submarine but it broke like halfway through. D< Oh wellz. Watched lots of Flight of the Conchords. XD Gawd I love those guys. Umm lemme see what else. Oh. There were lots of cool mystical shops around where he lived and one we passed by on the way to this awesome cafe was doing free chakra readings so we did that.
The lady told me there was something kind of off with my crown chakra and solar plexus chakra. I later realized the solar plexus chakra thing definitely makes sense and could have a lot to do with why I don't experience happiness and excitement or ever feel really motivated the way I used to. She also asked me if I was interested in fairies or communicated with them. I was like HOW DID SHE KNOW O______O lol I've always had a thing about fairies.. She told me I had a couple around me. ;D Then, the next day, this other shop had some people doing Aura photographs, so we met up with Gordon's friend Bob and his wife, Lisa, and all had our photos taken. It was really cool! I bought the bigger packet (only $40) that also went into chakras and stuff a little bit, too. They told me and I could see from comparing my picture to Gordon's and Robert's that my chakras are more open than theirs and most people's. I'm not sure what that means, I forgot to ask. =[ Need to look into that. Apparently, my aura is mainly golden orange. At first I was like 'ew', because orange is one of my least favorite colors, but, supposedly, it means I'm really creative? The one dude doing the photos was telling me that if I pursued something in the arts I would be really successful and influential. He looked me right in the eyes when he was saying it and I got a shiver, as if it were true. All I could think was that if Alex was there, he'd probably be like WHAT DID I TELL YOU, LAURA and pushing me even more to get serious about my songs. XD Dah, I miss Alex a lot.
Hmm Gordon's dad seemed to like me and told me I was welcome there anytime. I didn't spend much time with him but he took us out to eat a couple of times. He hugged me and kissed me bye on the cheek when he was dropping me off at the airport haha.

Blah. I'm so tired. I need to update with pictures and whatnot but it's been such a long day and it's hard to find time for the computer. Mine's still broken, Ashley is back from VA so her and I and Collin are all using the same computer and meh. Plus, I started work today. Which is part of why I'm so tired. Such a long day. It was a really good first day, though. I think I'm going to love working with Hugo. He's easy to talk to and can teach me a lot. He's into real estate, flips houses, and needs someone to handle the computer and paperwork stuff, so that's where I come in. =] We drove around (he let me drive his car o_o I rarely ever drive so I was kinda nervous hah) meeting up with realtors and looking for mortgage bankers and stuff today and he introduced me as his partner. How awesome. I know I'm going to love working for him so much more than the last dude, Rick. Besides the fact that I'm going to be making really good money (starting me out at $1000 a month plus $2000 commission on every house we buy, and we're hoping to get 5 houses a month. Woooo.), he doesn't treat me like I'm working FOR him but WITH him. Rick treated me like dirt and I never ever could have been friends with him but I already feel like I'm friends with Hugo. Shit, earlier, when we were riding around, he was talking about us taking a vacation once we get rolling and make a lot of money. He said something about taking a week trip to Europe and then was like "Amsterdam! Could eat a lot of brownies.." baha. He used to smoke but can't anymore because he has health issues. He had a liver transplant. Ahh and I was asking him what sort of stuff he likes to do for fun and he was saying how he used to love sky diving and hang gliding and scuba diving and stuff like that, and I told him about how those are on my list of things to do before I die. He was all "SERIOUSLY? YOU'D DO THAT? We're gonna go do that once I'm in better health." XD So, yeah. I think it'll be a blast working for him, and I'll be so set financially, plus still get to travel a lot. =D And he's going to teach me everything he knows so I can continue on without him once he doesn't want to work anymore and make a ton of money myself. So excited. Speaking of money, he gave me $500 cash today to get my jeep insured, all legal and registered and inspected and go get my license. I just feel really on track today, y'know? Feel really good about myself, my relationships, my life, life in general.

I actually didn't celebrate today! Just didn't feel like getting "fluffy".

Ummm. I never talked about my baby on here. My dad found a baby squirrel at the bottom of a tree while playing frisbee with Collin one day about a week before I left for California. Basically, the cutest thing ever. I love him to death.
Speaking of frisbee, I've been playing a lot, lately. Played for like an hour with them earlier. Then hula hooped for like five minutes straight. Most exercise I've gotten in a while. XD Hah.
Ugh so wiped out from today. GOODNIGHT.

Photobucket
no w8, pixCollapse )

I'll try to post more pictures and videos soon. There are some of Rocky on myspace and facebook. I need to get pictures of him tomorrow to show how much he grew while I was gone!
k4realzgudnite <3

Jan. 8th, 2010

wendleberry

Typing in gloves is hard

Things have been... interesting.
Let me see, big stuff that's happened...

I went to a dentist for the first time ever, today. Gotta go back on the 13th to have a tooth pulled and get a couple of fillings. x[ Gonna cost about $150. Thank goodness for Jarod and his health benefits or I'd be so screwed and in so much pain. It was terrible yesterday, hurt soo bad.
My sister's horse had it's baby a while back.
The parental units got a sweet deal on a Jeep for me and Ashley to share so I'll have something to get back and forth between work. Need to look for a job soon.
My dad almost got to go do a job in California, very close to where Gordon lives, but it fell through. Most displeased. I was gonna tag along. Gordon was quite unhappy about it, also.
Things have been really, really good with him. As of about 3:00 AM yesterday, he is officially my boyfriend. It's so weird to have a boyfriend again. I haven't had one since I was 18 lol. But, this one.. he's kinda perfect. ._. I think if there is such a thing as a good guy in this world, he's it. He seems to be everything I've always wanted. Just sucks that he's so far away.
I never wanted to do this again, have a long distance relationship. They are so hard and I told myself next time I get involved with someone, I want to be with someone I can actually be with. Sigh. But... I haven't felt this way about someone in such a long time, and he is so unlike anyone I've ever met before. Maybe this one will actually turn out to be worth the trouble lol.

Hmm what else?
Chopped off a bunch of hair, which is currently pink and purple and in need of another root touch-up. Haha, the other day, in the grocery store, this little girl's eyes got all wide when she saw me and she was like "Whoa!! Mama, look!". XD
Oh!
I found this really awesome website: http://www.skin-care-recipes-and-remedies.com
It has a ton of recipes and facts, using stuff you probably already have in your kitchen. I tried one cuz my skin has been so broken out and nasty. Honey and cinnamon. It really seems to be working. :o

The kitties are getting so big. They're both laying in my lap right now. =] Andand I kinda got a puppy. On Christmas, my mom's cousin came over and brought one over and we ended up with it. His dog was my old dog's baby, so this puppy is a grandpuppy of Rose, and looks a lot like her. With the red nose and gold eyes and rose-y colored fur. I named her Snapdragon (yes, like the flower lol). Snap for short. =]


Um. It's really cold. And I really don't like it. Oh, how I miss summer.

I feel like a lot is going to change this year.

Oct. 29th, 2009

wendleberry

LYK OMG IS THAT CHARLIE SCENE?

So happy lately.
So glad to be back in Virginia with my girlfriends. <3 We've all been super busy.
Went to Richmond last night to see Hollywood Undead with Ry. That kid cracks me up haha I hope he marries my sister. =]
HU was fucking amaaaazing. Oh man, do they know how to work the stage. <3
And shockingly, I'm not nearly as sore as I usually am the day after a show. But I had to wear flip flops cuz I couldn't fit sneakers in my bag to come here and my toeses hurt lol. One of my toe nails got broken pretty far down. BUT WUTEVZ. So worth it.

Tonight, we met up at the movies with Alicia and Dave and I talked my old friend Ben that I went to school with into meeting us there. We went to see Saw 6. It was alright. Ben and I laughed a lot haha.It was awesome to see him again. Mitch was supposed to come too but he's a bitch and didn't. =P He was talking to me a lot today though lol. So random and weird.
And earlier today, Heather and I went thrift storing and immediately found the perfect dress for her costume. She wanted to be a zombie Disney Princess, preferably Belle, and the first store we walked into, as soon as we walked over to the dresses I saw a yellow dress and took it down and we were like OH YEAH 8D. She went and tried it on, perfect fit. Baha. We're gonna be so hot.
I LOVE HALLOWEEEEEEEN. =DDDDD So excited.
The rest of my stuff better come in the mail tomorrow. I had to order cupcake pink dye off of ebay because I couldn't find any in stores around here. And I had some gloves I ordered a few days ago too. I have a feeling it'll all come tomorrow/later today, I'm not worried about it.

D'ah. Such a happy mood. =] I'm talking to Gordon and all smiley lol. LAME. I'm such a girl.
Such a tired girl. Yaaaawn.

Oct. 15th, 2009

wendleberry

I fail at updating. I know this.

Ok.
So.
... What was I gonna say?

Let's start off with something good.Collapse )

Something sad </3Collapse )

Something funny.Collapse )


Photobucket

Some pictures.Collapse )


FUCK THAT WAS LONG.
Goodnight. =D

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