When, if ever, is it okay to snoop on your significant other? Have you ever?
LMFAO. Ok, ok. Very funny, Universe. I have to answer this one because it's like it was stuck up there just for me. So unbelievably relevant to my current situation.
Now, normally, I would say snooping is a no-no. Well, there should be no need for snooping, because your relationship should be open and you should tell each other everything and I DEFINITELY believe you shouldn't keep anything from your significant other.
But...
Gordon bought me a plane ticket out here to California. Wednesday, January 26 to February 16. I wasn't even here for a week before we broke up. We broke up on the 31st (my dad's birthday).
A couple nights before that, we went down to this coffee shop where he meets up with his friends to play guitar sometimes. His one friend, Paul, was there and lit up a cigarette at one point. He asked if I smoked, I guess he was going to offer me one. I told him no so he said "What about you, Gordon? You.. smoke sometimes, don't you?". The way he said it, it was like he caught himself getting Gordon in trouble.
Gordon used to smoke and when he moved back to California to live with his dad, he smoked a lot less because he couldn't really keep it up, living with his dad, had to keep it secret. (I guess he kept lots of secrets..)
He said he had quit for me. Well, I guess he lied about that. And, after Jon, I absolutely will NOT tolerate lying anymore. I had told Gordon before that if I ever found out he lied to me, that was it, we were done. I didn't know what to do, because it wasn't solid proof. It seemed like proof enough for me, but Gordon and I ended up going for a walk because he could tell something was wrong. He probably realized I took Paul's comment as AH HAH I CAUGHT YOU LYING YOU BASTARD. But he asked me what was wrong and I said "You lied to me" and he tried to play it off like "What? What are you talking about?".
He swore he hasn't been smoking, never lies to me, blah blah blah, Paul was just trying to be polite. Right.
Well, like I said, it wasn't exactly solid proof, and I had just gotten here, so I tried to let it go.
With that on my mind, and a couple other things that have happened since I got here, and my already extremely suspicious paranoid nature, I did something I'd normally never do. I looked through his computer.
That day, we had laid around in bed, cuddling and kissing and messing around. Then we went to get breakfast and walked to one of those spiritual-type stores called The Path. I at least have one good memory from that day. There's this big fat orange cat named Rajah that hangs out in the store, I met him last time I was in California. As soon as we walked in, we went to this stand close to the door that had some fabric over it and stones and stuff sitting on top. We were picking stuff up and checking things out, and all of the sudden - !
The fabric starts moving and out pops a cat head. XD Sup, Rajah? I'm glad I can smile about something right now.
BUT BACK TO THE WHOLE POINT. There was a video rental place next door that his dad has a membership to, and we decided to see if Gordon could rent something since he was on the account. We wanted to watch Despicable Me, Gordon said it was pretty good and I needed to watch it. So he picked up the Blu Ray version, thinking it would work on his computer. We got back to his place and tried it out and it wouldn't, so he rode his bike back up to the rental place to see if he could get a regular copy.
The perfect chance to see if I could really find proof that he's a liar.
It must be fate. I may not have gotten any other chance to look, and never would have known, and I would have stayed. Stayed there at that house, with him, and continued to let him kiss me and put his dirty liar hands all over me. It makes me sick.
Well, at first, I didn't find any porn. But I found some gifs saved from 4chan or 420chan or wtfever that were close enough to porn in my eyes. We had talked about it before, and he knew I was very uncomfortable with the idea of him looking at anyone else. He swore he didn't, would never, it "wouldn't feel right". Not even when we were broken up for about a month. He promised.
When he got back, he asked what I was doing on the computer. I told him "Going through your stuff" and got up. I can't remember clearly what his response was or how it all went down, it was so quick and brief. I just remember him making this face, where he raises an eyebrow and kinda tilts his mouth to the side. I used to think it was cute but now thinking about it makes me sick. Thinking of him at all honestly makes me sick. I was furious and felt so betrayed, I had to get out of there. Sure, most people would try to say (and some did) that it wasn't that big of a deal. "He could have done a lot worse". But it was a HUGE deal to me. It's betrayal. It's lying. He told me, I can't tell you how many times, that he would never look at anyone else like that. Besides, it gets worse.
I told him I was leaving, because I just couldn't talk to him right then. I needed to gather my thoughts. So I put on my jacket and started to head out the door. He followed me and tried to hold the door shut as I was opening it. I gave him this ice cold stare and told him through my teeth "Let me go". I guess he could tell how pissed I was because he just backed off and I walked out, down the street a little ways to a park nearby. I didn't know where to go lol.I knew this had to be the end of it. I couldn't be like everyone else I know, swear I'm not going to deal with some sort of crap and then just let it slide. No, that would make me a liar, too. And I hate liars. I'm so sick of them.
A little later, he came looking for me on his bike, to spew more lies. I still couldn't stand to be near him so I tried walking off and he followed me. He said something like "So, you're mad at me because of some gifs I saved like three years ago? Before we were together, before we even started talking? You think I'm a liar?".
Oh, I know you're a liar. They all are.
He was mad at me for being mad at him. He would always do that, anytime I'd get mad at him he would turn it around on me and not even acknowledge how he wronged me, just point out everything he felt I was doing wrong. And he started in on that, how I never trusted him and he was sick of all my shit and always trying to convince me that he wasn't lying. Wellllllllll. Lol. Obviously, I was right to not let myself trust him. Though, I actually did, to an extent. But I will never fully trust anyone.
He even tried to say that
I never loved
him. I told him he didn't have to worry about it all, he didn't have to worry about ever talking to me again. Told him I was done with him. And for once, he didn't even try to set things right (not that he could have). Any other time he would try to convince me we could work things out and he loved me and wanted to be with me and never lies to me, all the bullshit, you know. He did still try to claim that he didn't lie or do anything wrong. Told me more than once that those things were saved years ago. Well, I might just have begun to believe that, but by the way he reacted to the whole thing and didn't even try, it made me feel like he knew he screwed up and I caught him and there was no point in trying, so he didn't. Also made me feel like he didn't care how hurt I was. He probably didn't. =/ I basically cried for two days and was very obviously hurting, but not him, it just really seemed to not even phase him at all.
He did cry a little at one point. After we got back to his house, I tried to go inside and the door was locked. He said he locked us out and I asked why. He said because he wanted us to talk. I tried telling him there really wasn't anything to talk about, it wasn't going to get resolved because that was IT. No more. But we went back to his laundry room and did some talking. I can't remember what all was said, just that he ended up saying things like "we had some good times, I'm glad I was able to get to know you". And he said "Don't call anyone else teh behbehs". I shook my head no and started crying harder, because I thought of him moving on and finding someone else. As mad as I was, and still am, you don't just get over love that fast. =/ And it always hurts to think of the one you love with someone else. He asked what was wrong or what I was thinking or something along those lines, wanting to know why I started crying so hard, and I told him. He said he probably wouldn't find anyone else for a long time and I said something about him finding someone better and he told me it wouldn't be someone better, it would just be different. =/ And then he hugged me and I let him because I just felt so broken down and needed a hug from anyone at that point. And then I cried even harder and he started crying too.
Blah. Fast forward. We went inside and I went to the bathroom. When I came out, he was like "This is probably a stupid question, but Jeremy wants to know if we want to get something to eat with him." Of course I didn't, food was the last thing on my mind, I felt like shit and looked it, too. My eyes were all red and puffy. I told Gordon to go. I knew he would, knew he wouldn't even try to make one last attempt. And I was right. He said he was going to go since I wanted to be left alone and he was never any good at leaving me alone. There could have been some truth to that, anytime we got into a big fight I'd need time to cool down and he just wouldn't give it to me. If he didn't demand we talk it out then, he'd come find me shortly afterwards when I hadn't had nearly enough time to think about things and settle down. But, in this case, I think he just didn't care to try anymore.
He left again shortly after he got back, to a different friend's place. Kenny. He said he probably wouldn't be back that night. Good. I ended up crying myself to sleep. Eyerolllll. He woke me up some time later coming in, got a change of clothes and went to take a shower. I had asked him what time it was and he said 2 something. When he got back from the shower, he kneeled by the bed and asked if he could lay beside me. I said "I'd rather you didn't". He asked if we could talk, I think I told him I was tired and wanted to sleep, so he went to sleep on the couch. Oh, yeah. His breath smelled strongly of alcohol.
The next day, we barely spoke before he left again. He was putting away clothes and getting ready to leave and I was sitting on his bed, crying and writing. It still seemed to not bother him at all that we were over. I said "You don't even care" and that spawned a little fight. I think he tried to tell me that I didn't care because I didn't want to talk. How could he not see that being near him, seeing him, talking to him.. was just unbearable for me? His dad tried talking to me a little and asking if I was ok and everything. Sigh. I couldn't talk to him about it, obviously. =/
Anyway, Gordon left again, and I decided to check the dates on those things he had saved, to see if he was just lying again. He was. Most of them were from 09 and some of the things that I felt were inappropriate were from 2010, which was after we got together.
I really wasn't going to snoop around anymore, I already knew what I needed to know. But I went to log into my yahoo account and he was signed in. I couldn't help myself, what else had he lied to me about? Was he talking to other girls, too? What was he telling his friends about me? Had he shared pictures of me that were meant only for his eyes? (I ended up deleting all the pictures of me off of his computer. I never took any of me naked, thank GOD, but there were some of me in my underwear)
Well, there was a facebook notification right there in the inbox, a message from a mutual friend of ours, Joseph. By the sound of it, Gordon had talked to Joseph a little about us, I wish I had gotten a chance to snoop around on his facebook too lol. =/ In the sent box, there was a very recent e-mail he sent to Joseph with the the subject "Don't open this in a crowded room". It said something like "I think I found a picture of Gayle maaaaan. But yea. Shit's cool."
I opened the attachment and it's some naked girl taking a mirror shot of herself. That prompted me to look through the downloads folder, since that box popped up. Where I went on to find a lot of images with just numbers and letters in the filenames that wouldn't open, so apparently they'd been deleted off the computer. ;] Also came across a couple of things of the pornographic nature. Some chick with huge tits playing with herself. Hah. Of course. Yeah, and from a few of the things he had saved that I found the first time around, I'd say it's pretty apparent I was never his type at all. Isn't that always how it goes, though?
Yay for sluts with no self-respect. Yay for lying, cheating scumbags.
Yes, looking at porn is cheating, in my eyes. Most people don't see it as a big deal, but I guess I have strange views. I thought Gordon understood and agreed with them, but now I know better. I was talking to my sister about it all and I guess my dad read the conversation and called Gordon. =| And told him we just needed to talk or something, and mentioned something about me finding a dirty picture. I don't know. But Gordon came home and as soon as he walked into his room said "So I heard you've been snooping some more". I ended up asking him how he knew and he said my dad called him. He said he wanted me off of his computer and out of his room. I invaded his privacy. Yeahyeah. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW what I did wasn't right. I don't blame him at all for being mad at me, he has every right, especially since he had asked me not to look through his stuff anymore. Was what I did worse than what he did, though? I mean, really, I'd like to hear opinions on this. I thought you weren't supposed to keep things private when you're in a relationship. I thought you weren't supposed to want to look at anyone else, because the one you "love" is supposed to be the only one you think of in that way, the only one you want to look at in that way. I guess guys don't see it like that. I really, really just.. find it very hard to believe that they're capable of truly loving. It's not just them, I know girls are malicious bitches too and a lot of them have no idea what love really is. It's just how people are, blind and naive and so completely selfish. But I've seen where girls are capable of loving, real love, not just deep infatuation, and I think I have yet to see that with a guy, for real. =/
So. Another little fight broke out. He told me to get all my stuff out of his room, he wanted me gone. As if I really wanted to be there. Unfortunately, I didn't really have anywhere to go. I'll explain about where I am and how I got here later. Back to the fight. I said something about him and his porn and sending naked pictures to Joseph because he was acting like what I did was the worst thing anyone could ever do. And you know what he said? "I bet if I looked through your computer I'd find something too". I told him "No, you wouldn't. You definitely wouldn't" and he basically made it sound like he thought I was lying. Ha ha. No, he really wouldn't. There is not a bit of porn on my computer because... I DON'T LOOK AT IT. Besides the fact that it disgusts me (I'm sorry, I just have strange views on sex and things like that and feel like it's something that should be shared with someone you care about, not just anyone. Not everyone. Not put up for the whole world to watch. To me, it is a sacred act, it can create life, it's supposed to be about expressing love, but people have distorted and perverted it), I would feel like I was cheating and I could never cheat on someone I love. I don't think I could cheat at all. But he ended up accusing me of it, later. Tried to say I probably cheated on him with Alex and Dustin. I never did. I cuddled with Dustin when Gordon and I were broken up, and he kissed me, and I told him (Dustin) that it didn't feel right. I felt like I was cheating, even though I did not have a boyfriend at the time. And Alex kissed me on the cheek one night when I was extremely upset and crying and kissed me goodbye before he got on the bus. Both times I felt awful and guilty because I knew it would hurt Gordon, I knew how hurt I would be if someone kissed him, even just on the cheek, and I knew I couldn't keep it from him, so I told him about every time after it took place. I asked him, if I had cheated, would I have told him that anything happened at all? Wouldn't I have just not said anything, kept it secret? His response? "I think you just wanted attention". =| K. Yeah, he thinks I'm some attention-whoring controlling needy bitch, I guess. I won't deny the needy part. I need to feel loved by the one I'm in love with. But I would never do anything or make up lies or anything like that just to make sure the person cares. He thinks I'm incredibly immature. And, yes, I had my moments of immaturity when I was so overwhelmed with anger that I didn't care to try to be mature or calm and collected. But, no, I wouldn't say I'm immature. Definitely not moreso than him, and I know for a fact that he thinks he's the more mature of us two, it came straight from his lips. "22 years old and you still act like you're in high school. I thought girls were supposed to be more mature than boys, supposed to mature faster."
Rewind. Back up to after he got in after talking to my dad. I said something about him being a liar and a cheater, can't really remember his exact response but it was basically that he didn't cheat on me or looking at other people wasn't wrong, and that caused me to ask "So, if I was looking at other guys, that wouldn't bother you?" and he kinda hesitated for a moment before saying "Not if you were thinking about me".............. WAT?!?! Just. What. So, I called bullshit and he was like "You just don't understand" and I told him "No, I don't understand". I don't understand at all.
I can pretty much guarantee you right now, though, that he definitely would have been bothered if I was watching other guys jack off.
Ugh. Now I find myself wondering if he got on webcam with other girls, talking to them while they were doing it, or doing it with them. I really just don't know.
I don't know what to believe anymore.
He said he doesn't think he deserves to be put on the list of all the other jerky ex boyfriends. Oh, I think he more than deserves it. I think he's the worst of them all. I mean, overall, when we were together he was the best of the bunch, treated me the best, I suppose. But this betrayal is the worst. I feel like he lied AND cheated, instead of just one of the two, like all the others. I'm sure he lied about loving me the whole time, just like all of them. And he almost had me believing him, I almost trusted. And for what? He took pieces of me that I can't ever retrieve. Firsts that I can't ever get back...
I could say one good thing about him. He never once tried to pressure me into having sex. Sure, now I believe it's because I'm not what he considers attractive, but I'm pretty sure guys don't really care, they take whatever they can get, right? Not that he could have had me, I could feel that it wasn't right so I wouldn't have, but I'm just saying, he never even tried. I don't know why. He said "I just don't care about it that much". Pfffffffttttttttttt.
Let me rephrase it for you. "I just don't care about
you that much" must have been what he meant. Surely. Why else would he do all this to me? You don't treat someone you love that way.
Oh, right. So, after the "you don't understand thing" and him telling me he wanted all my stuff out of his room right then, I asked if I could use his phone to call my parents.
I'm sorry I'm jumping around so much, my thoughts are so scattered and I'm kinda having a hard time collecting myself. =/ But I want to be able to remember all of this. I want to be able to come back and look at it when I'm older and wiser and be like 'ah, yes, it was just...'. What I needed to decide I should just date girls. XD
No, no, but really. I called my dad and asked what he said to Gordon and talked to him for a minute before getting pissed at him for basically taking Gordon's side. =/ He said we just needed to talk things out and I shouldn't make any rash decisions and he thought it was a little extreme to break up with Gordon over a dirty picture. Gee, thanks Dad. Thanks for believing in me and my ability to make important decisions, trusting my judgement, thanks for understanding where I'm coming from. (I knew he wouldn't, he has never gotten my perspective on lying. He still can't understand, even after I've told him and gotten mad at him numerous times because of him keeping things from me, and he still tries to do it, like when one of my animals dies he will put off telling me and try to tell my mom and everyone not to say anything, even though he knoooowwwsss that just makes me even more upset because then I'm mad too because people kept things from me. FUCK. LIARS. With-holding information. Is. Lying.)
Maybe I have twisted views. Maybe my expectations are too high. I don't care. I would rather be alone than with someone who isn't exactly what I want. I'd rather not have anyone at all if I can't have someone who agrees with certain beliefs of mine that are extremely important to me. To me, overlooking differences in some beliefs would be like a Buddhist falling for a serial killer. Besides, I have always believed that no one should ever have to lower their expectations. How could anyone ever be truly happy that way?
Well, I got mad at him and told him to put my mom on the phone and cried to her for a minute, told her I couldn't stand being there any longer and Gordon basically kicked me out anyway and I didn't really have anywhere to go. I tried asking a couple of people in the area if I could hide out with them for a while. I asked Sean Hubbard, who lives in LA, since he's so close to where Gordon lives. He basically said no. Which is fine, I really didn't want to stay with him anyway since he is sort of like an ex boyfriend and I'm sure it would have been just another slap in the face, being around him, especially with his fiance. Uh herp a derp duhuhuhuh everyone you ever loved faked caring about you the whole time and chose other girls over you and they're all in happy relationships and you just ended yours.
I also talked to Heather and asked her if she thought it might be possible for me to stay with Cory (he used to be Sean's best friend, back when I was all crazy for him, so we've known Cory for years and now Heather and Cory have been dating for a year and she's stayed with him a few times). She said she talked to him and he said he'd talk to his mom about it the next day, but I don't think he ever even did. Also fine. I didn't want to have to burden Cory either, and I get the feeling he doesn't like me much and it would have been kinda weird being there without Heather. But damn. The little bit he talked to me he came off as sorta rude and like UGH HOW DARE YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT ASKING ME FOR HELP. =/ Pretty much the first thing he said to me was "did you get your ticket changed?" and then he asked "so why did you break up with him this time? =/". Hah. Thanks.
But! Not everyone was unhelpful. A few people, June and Jon included, offered to send me money if I needed some. That was extremely cool of them (especially since Jon is one of my jerkasshole ex boyfriends XD) and I love you for it, June. <3 Thank you.
A friend in Texas who I don't really hang out with, have only seen in person a couple of times when we were at the same place because of mutual friends and have done almost all of our talking online, said he would use his tax return to get me a plane ticket if I needed. D= Way beyond cool of him. We're gonna hang out when I get back, because he's always been nothing but nice to me and he seems like a nice person.
And while on the subject of talking online, I guess I should finally mention where I am lol. One of my online friends, Danny, that I've had on my buddy list for a couple of years but don't know very well, he lives in LA and was kind enough to come pick me up and let me stay at his place. I don't know how I can ever thank him, we seriously barely know each other, he IMed me by accident one day and we've talked every once in a while ever since, so I can't believe he was willing to let me stay when people I've known for years wouldn't. And, I know, it was kind of dangerous coming to stay with some dude I really don't know, but I don't care. I had to get out of there.
ANYWHO. My mom told me she was sorry that she couldn't really help. My dad had talked with a friend of his that works for an airline, she is going to try to get me a flight as soon as possible, but because of the weather, the soonest she might be able to hook me up would be Friday, and even then it's just a maybe. But I'm not complaining, this weekend is way better than two weeks from now, y'know? Heh. I just hope I don't have to impose on Danny for too long, I really don't know what else to do or where to go. =/ My only other option would be maybe trying to ask Gordon's dad's girlfriend, Darlene, if I could stay on her couch for a couple days or something, but I don't think she'd go for it. She likes me, we spent a little time together and talked some, but she pretty much kept saying "sometimes you just have to talk it out" (what's with everyone being incapable of understanding that I stick to my beliefs and don't put up with bullshit? There is no talking it out) and I told her that there was no way I was taking him back and told her why and pretty much everything. She didn't offer to let me stay when I told her I couldn't be there anymore and it made me sick to be around him and started crying again, so she's probably not comfortable with the idea of some strange girl staying at her house, and I don't blame her.
I have very, very little money since I had been out of work for a while and was going to rely on Gordon for food and shelter until I got home and got a new job. I have never been comfortable with the idea of not being able to take care of myself, having to rely on a guy for support. This whole ordeal just completely reaffirmed my feelings on that matter lol.
I really have to listen to myself more.
Sigh. This took way too long to type up, but I guess that's basically all of the really important bits.
Snooping is wrong, and it ended my relationship, but I'm glad that it did. Lying is inexcusable. Even just one little lie, but especially when there are many that have been spat out at you. How can you ever believe anyone? I knew he was lying to me, but I couldn't end the relationship over a strong hunch, so I got the proof that I needed to let go of someone that was no good for me. I don't think that was wrong of me.
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